dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
