just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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