he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
