its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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