Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
