If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
