I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
