I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize