Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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