I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
