I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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