plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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