Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
