No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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