There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
