I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
