When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
