we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
