He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
