And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
