I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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