thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
