Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
