i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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