dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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