dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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