I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
