Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
