I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
