I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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