Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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