I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Congratulations! We have a period
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