I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
