smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
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he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
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god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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