Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
