I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
