i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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