Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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