I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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