I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
