The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
