it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
