She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
