Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
