Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
