Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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