i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
