Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
