recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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