Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He better not be in your backpack
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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