My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
