This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
