I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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