just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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