i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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