i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
