apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
