If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
