If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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