Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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