I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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