Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
