I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
