Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
