i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
