Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
